So here's how I think the Royal Rumble is going to play out:
1. Goldberg
2. Brock Lesnar
Goldberg and Lesnar stare-down, tangle and fall out of the ring in a minute and twenty-four seconds! New record! But unlike the 1999 Rumble they’re both clearly eliminated and that leaves the ring empty for thirty-six seconds. Goldberg is gassed too so there isn't any brawling or anything.
3. Big Dumb Cass
Big Dumb Cass comes out and grabs a microphone to fill time. He struggles for two minutes trying to find something to say but without Meth-head twerking out beside him he's lost. Awkwardness ensues as he starts telling jokes about alternative lifestyles.
4. Samoa Joe
That’s it for Big Cass. Now Joe is in the ring by himself. He grabs the mic to fill time and if you thought Cass was bad, oh buddy.
5. Braun Strowman
Stare-down with Joe. See ya Joe, over the rope. WWE: 1, IWC: 0
6. Triple H
If anyone can go toe-to-toe with the indomindable Strowman it’s the Game. For the first time in the match we get two people in the ring still when a third comes out.
7. The Miz
8. Mark Henry
9. Kenny Omega
HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWESOME THIS MAY BE THE GREATEST ROYAL RU…
10. Kurt Angle
OH MY FUCKING GOD IT’S KURT ANGLE! JESUS H. CHRIST KURT ANGLE IS IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE AND BACK IN THE WWE I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT KURT ANGLE THIS IS SO AWESOME! (who was that last guy again? Who cares?) KURT FUCKING ANGLE!!!!!!
*Kenny Omega in the background w/sad-face*
11. Luke Harper
Yeah, he may as well have already been in the ring. He doesn’t get music, fanfare or acknowledged by anyone. Even his own mom is too busy marking out for Kurt Angle.
12. Xavior Woods
13. Ryan Garoutte (Gets a bigger pop than Luke Harper)
14. Cesaro
You know that point in the Royal Rumble when like five guys are all fighting by the ropes and one guy comes and dumps them all out over the top in one fell swoop?
15. The Big Show
Kenny Omega, Kurt Angle, the Miz, Luke Harper and Cesaro all eliminated by the Big Show with one fell swoop.
16. Sheamus
Thanks to Denny’s still having Peanut Butter Cup pancakes Sheamus has better things to do and no-shows the Rumble. That at least gives the other twenty-nine jabronies a fighting chance. We needs someone to fill out his spot though. Throw out an Uso. I don’t fucking care which one. The one that’s not always hurt.
17. Finn(ish on my Face) Balor
18. Randy Orton
19. Chris Jericho
20. Baron Corbin
Finn(ish on my Face) Balor, Uso that's not hurt and Xavior Woods eliminated. Did I eliminate the Miz yet? Yeah he's gone.
21. Kofi Kingston
Baron Corbin eliminated by Triple H.
22. Dolph Ziggler
The camera pans backstage to show what appears to be Dolph Ziggler stuffed in a garbage can.
The real number 22? Seth Rollins!!!!!
Seth Rollins elimianted by Triple H. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
23. Kane
Chris Jericho eliminated by Kane.
24. Mojo Rawley
25. Big E
Kofi Kingston does his annual silly “not getting eliminated”-thing, as he’s thrown over the top rope (by the Big Show) only to land on the lifeless carcass of Kenny Omega. He then tip-toes across the bodies of Kurt Angle, Samoa Joe, Finn(ish on my Face) Balor, Chris Jericho and Luke Harper on his way back into the ring; only to be promptly dumped out on his ass (and feet) by the Big Show.
26. Bray Wyatt
Bray Wyatt eliminated
27. Rusev
Rusev and Big E eliminated. Did I eliminate the Miz yet? Yeah he's gone too.
28. The Undertaker
29. Sami Whatshisname?
Sami Whatshisname? eliminated.
30. DEANER!
DEANER!, Randy Orton, Mark Henry and the Undertaker are all melee'ing by the ropes. All eliminated by the Big Show in one fell swoop. Triple H and Kane eliminate each other.
Mojo and the Big Show go toe-to-toe in an epic blur of furious blows. Garoutte takes this time to check if there is indeed a Raichu in the Almadome. Strownman grabs him and lifts him Darth Vader style-over the ropes. SKIN THE CAT GAROUTTE, SKIN THE CAT. He skins it.
Mojo's pixie-stick is wearing out by this point. He's gassed. The crowds booing is actually enough to lift a dazed Mojo up and over the top rope. They literally booed him out of the match. Strowman is just bored and leaves to see what Erick Rowan's doing.
the show has now been on for so long that Vince has to pull the plug as Raw is starting in three hours and the gangs all gotta get to Laredo.
Big Show leaves the ring first and since he's unable to enter or leave a ring by any means other than over the top rope (because he's big) he's officially eliminated and
1. Goldberg
2. Brock Lesnar
Goldberg and Lesnar stare-down, tangle and fall out of the ring in a minute and twenty-four seconds! New record! But unlike the 1999 Rumble they’re both clearly eliminated and that leaves the ring empty for thirty-six seconds. Goldberg is gassed too so there isn't any brawling or anything.
3. Big Dumb Cass
Big Dumb Cass comes out and grabs a microphone to fill time. He struggles for two minutes trying to find something to say but without Meth-head twerking out beside him he's lost. Awkwardness ensues as he starts telling jokes about alternative lifestyles.
4. Samoa Joe
That’s it for Big Cass. Now Joe is in the ring by himself. He grabs the mic to fill time and if you thought Cass was bad, oh buddy.
5. Braun Strowman
Stare-down with Joe. See ya Joe, over the rope. WWE: 1, IWC: 0
6. Triple H
If anyone can go toe-to-toe with the indomindable Strowman it’s the Game. For the first time in the match we get two people in the ring still when a third comes out.
7. The Miz
8. Mark Henry
9. Kenny Omega
HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWESOME THIS MAY BE THE GREATEST ROYAL RU…
10. Kurt Angle
OH MY FUCKING GOD IT’S KURT ANGLE! JESUS H. CHRIST KURT ANGLE IS IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE AND BACK IN THE WWE I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT KURT ANGLE THIS IS SO AWESOME! (who was that last guy again? Who cares?) KURT FUCKING ANGLE!!!!!!
*Kenny Omega in the background w/sad-face*
11. Luke Harper
Yeah, he may as well have already been in the ring. He doesn’t get music, fanfare or acknowledged by anyone. Even his own mom is too busy marking out for Kurt Angle.
12. Xavior Woods
13. Ryan Garoutte (Gets a bigger pop than Luke Harper)
14. Cesaro
You know that point in the Royal Rumble when like five guys are all fighting by the ropes and one guy comes and dumps them all out over the top in one fell swoop?
15. The Big Show
Kenny Omega, Kurt Angle, the Miz, Luke Harper and Cesaro all eliminated by the Big Show with one fell swoop.
16. Sheamus
Thanks to Denny’s still having Peanut Butter Cup pancakes Sheamus has better things to do and no-shows the Rumble. That at least gives the other twenty-nine jabronies a fighting chance. We needs someone to fill out his spot though. Throw out an Uso. I don’t fucking care which one. The one that’s not always hurt.
17. Finn(ish on my Face) Balor
18. Randy Orton
19. Chris Jericho
20. Baron Corbin
Finn(ish on my Face) Balor, Uso that's not hurt and Xavior Woods eliminated. Did I eliminate the Miz yet? Yeah he's gone.
21. Kofi Kingston
Baron Corbin eliminated by Triple H.
22. Dolph Ziggler
The camera pans backstage to show what appears to be Dolph Ziggler stuffed in a garbage can.
The real number 22? Seth Rollins!!!!!
Seth Rollins elimianted by Triple H. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
23. Kane
Chris Jericho eliminated by Kane.
24. Mojo Rawley
25. Big E
Kofi Kingston does his annual silly “not getting eliminated”-thing, as he’s thrown over the top rope (by the Big Show) only to land on the lifeless carcass of Kenny Omega. He then tip-toes across the bodies of Kurt Angle, Samoa Joe, Finn(ish on my Face) Balor, Chris Jericho and Luke Harper on his way back into the ring; only to be promptly dumped out on his ass (and feet) by the Big Show.
26. Bray Wyatt
Bray Wyatt eliminated
27. Rusev
Rusev and Big E eliminated. Did I eliminate the Miz yet? Yeah he's gone too.
28. The Undertaker
29. Sami Whatshisname?
Sami Whatshisname? eliminated.
30. DEANER!
DEANER!, Randy Orton, Mark Henry and the Undertaker are all melee'ing by the ropes. All eliminated by the Big Show in one fell swoop. Triple H and Kane eliminate each other.
FINAL FOUR: Braun Strowman, Mojo Rawley, Ryan Garoutte and the Big Show
Mojo and the Big Show go toe-to-toe in an epic blur of furious blows. Garoutte takes this time to check if there is indeed a Raichu in the Almadome. Strownman grabs him and lifts him Darth Vader style-over the ropes. SKIN THE CAT GAROUTTE, SKIN THE CAT. He skins it.
Mojo's pixie-stick is wearing out by this point. He's gassed. The crowds booing is actually enough to lift a dazed Mojo up and over the top rope. They literally booed him out of the match. Strowman is just bored and leaves to see what Erick Rowan's doing.
Final two: Ryan Garoutte and the Big Show
the show has now been on for so long that Vince has to pull the plug as Raw is starting in three hours and the gangs all gotta get to Laredo.
Big Show leaves the ring first and since he's unable to enter or leave a ring by any means other than over the top rope (because he's big) he's officially eliminated and
RYAN GAROUTTE IS THE WINNER OF THE 2017 ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!
Do you like old people porn? Because I just put enough to fill an old folks home in the wrestling section!